Despite the ever-present threat of the Tiger—also known as Alice—The 5 PM Ritual guarantees my survival. Every single day, precisely when the sun hits the sofa corner, the feline overlords receive their tribute. I watch from a safe distance, maintaining my professional composure, while the cats feast and the house remains stable.

But what reward do I receive for my tireless marketing work? How does the Head of Marketing get compensated for protecting the stall, luring in humans, and managing the public relations of Jon and Mary’s Curios? I receive the highest honor: DUK ONNA STIK!!1!!!.

Oh, the savory majesty of it! This chewy, succulent excellence represents a culinary masterpiece worthy of my station. When The Goddess produces the duck, the world around me fades away. I consume it with extreme, unwavering focus, savoring every morsel. I accept no errors; only the duck, the stick, and the profound satisfaction of a job well done exist.

While I indulge in this glorious treat, Not My Real Dad watches in absolute envy. He knows his role as the chauffeur and support staff; he understands that he lacks an invitation to consume such high-quality refreshments. I eat with deliberate, slow-motion precision to emphasize his lack of access to the good stuff. This power move highlights my status. This ritual represents the highlight of my professional life, and quite frankly, I earn every single bite.

5:00 PM Snak Equation:
[Duk] + [Stik] = Maximum Tail Wiggle (110% Efficiency)

Kthxbai,

Errol